Exciting things are happening!

Charles-Winston is crawling! Well, not so much crawling as a mixture between scooting and army crawling, but we're still very excited. I've been waiting for the day that I can say with confidence that my baby is mobile, and today is that day! Benjamin and I couldn't be prouder of him. Benjamin is the most excited I've ever seen him, he's about to burst with pride and joy, and of course I'm just beaming. I feel like screaming "THAT'S MY SON!" and sharing this moment with the entire world. 

     The second thing I have been waiting to brag about is the fact that Charles-Winston is HUGE! When we took him in for his shots, he finally got classified as something besides the 30th percentile, and advanced all the way up to the 58th percentile! He's wearing all 6-9 month clothes, which is in his age category, so it's not super fascinating, but this kid was wearing size newborn for the first three months of his life. 

     We have some rough days, but overall I'm so in love with my boy, I'm so in love with my family and I'm so in love with my life.

Today

      Today I don’t want to be a mom.

     What’s wrong with me? I love being a mom, in fact there is nothing I love more. Charles-Winston is being more difficult than usual; I haven’t been able to find a reprieve. I’m just sick of everyone depending on me. There’s endless yelling and screaming. I’m sick of Benjamin not being able to do ANYTHING without me. And I’m so, so, extremely tired of everybody trying to feed my baby things that aren’t age appropriate! Can’t he just eat his baby food? He’s happy with it, why isn’t anyone else?

     Today his crying is grating on my last nerve and its taking everything I have not to just hole up and hide away. I’m coping with my stress and anxiety, just not in the kind way that I normally choose to.  I only have patience for Charles-Winston, not for my cousins, not for my siblings, not even for Benjamin.

     Charles-Winston kept me up a lot last night and only took one nap that lasted one hour today.

     Today it sucks to be a mom.

Date night

Benjamin and I left Charles-Winston behind with our friends and went out to dinner. I had terrible anxiety leading up to it, but in all honesty, it was really, really nice. Being baby-free for a few hours was more relieving than I could've imagined. Benjamin and I decided to keep the conversation off Charles-Winston and make tonight about just us. I think a date night was long overdue, it was actually fun, nice and probably good for our marriage.

     Our friends, Logan, Kura and Parker said Charles-Winston had a lot of fun and was pretty mellow the whole time, which was good to hear because he always behaves mischievously when I'm his designated caretaker. 

     We had a really good time, and we did it without our kid. Tonight I realized it's completely alright to focus on me sometimes - meet my needs first and allow someone else to take care of the baby. 

The story of us

It was 2012 and I was in love. I was convinced I was gonna marry him. His name was Dane and we'd been dating for a year when I met Benjamin. 
     Benjamin was everything Dane wasn't. It was so easy and natural for me to be around Benjamin, with Dane things were confusing and frustrating. They couldn't be less similar. He was daring, funny, restrained, he loved things that I hated, he wasn't a bad boy but he definitely wasn't a good one. I didn't realize I was in love with Benjamin for a long, long time. 

     Benjamin and I couldn't get enough of each other. I didn't know I could be such best friends with someone. We were extremely opposite, but similar enough to compromise. Benjamin was the most caring male I'd ever met. He was so sweet and kind and gentle. I found myself staying up at night thinking about him. When we started dating, in November of 2012 we couldn't get enough of each other, we built blanket forts, we experimentally made vegan foods, etc., it didn't matter what we did as long as we were together.

     I wasn't surprised when I found out I was pregnant in April. I think somewhere in my subconscious I already knew. So, we moved in together and Benjamin supported me and our unborn child. 
     Since we had Charles-Winston our marriage has been sort of rocky, but I think it's on the mend now that he is sleeping better. It's really hard to feel loving towards someone when all you want to do is deck them. 
     It'd be hard for me to understand how two completely different people could love each other so passionately if I wasn't one of them.
     I'm so proud that Benjamin stepped up to the plate and became the father and husband he is today, he's such a great influence on both Charles-Winston and I. We can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together.

Shots fired

Today my sweet baby boy had to get his immunizations. Just by that sentence, you already know it was a terrible day. 

     So of course, the whole day I'm dragging my feet and very anxious, then we get to the doctors and Charles-Winston had no idea what was coming, he's laughing and smiling at the doctor. Then came the shots. Weirdly enough he had one oral "shot", it was like the same thing as a regular immunization, but he just drank it, so that was cool. When the phlebotomist jabbed him the first time he did one long cry with a seemingly everlasting scream and then he gave me the ultimate look of betrayal. The woman causing all this pain and confusion was pretty speedy and efficient, but she just kept going at it, one after the other and my precious child was pinned down and screaming at the top of his lungs. Fortunately, this time I was brave enough not to leave him at this time of need (last time I had to leave the room, it was just too much for me). I held his hand and when she was done, I held him and he quickly forgot all about it.

     My theory about these kinds of things is that the baby is like totally fine 5 minutes later, but the mothers, they'll be scarred for life. Charles-Winston seems to be completely fine now, in fact at this moment, he's laughing in the other room with his dad, so it can't be that rough.

Out of my mind

Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Well, he obviously wasn't a parent.

     I've tried letting Charles-Winston cry it out, I've tried co-sleeping, I've tried letting him work it out by himself, but I'm tired of waiting. I feel insane because every night when I put him to sleep, I pray that he'll sleep through the night and every night I wake up to a crying baby.

     I'm getting really annoyed of waking up several times a night, every single night endlessly. I don't know how to help him sleep through the night though because when he wakes up, he chugs 7 oz from his bottle and then does the same thing a few hours later. He's waking up because he's hungry and that's the only reason why I don't just put in some ear plugs and go back to sleep. 

     I'm seriously at the end of my rope. He shouldn't be 6.5 months old and still waking up 3-5 times a night. I need to find some sort of solution because I've been taking the nights by myself for the past few months while I let Benjamin sleep, only occasionally asking him for help. 

     I need a change and I don't see one in the near future. It's enough to make anyone crazy. I'm so sick of waiting for something that isn't going to happen. Maybe I'm already out of my mind.

Simply today

So, today we went to Walmart and perused - Charles-Winston loved it. I try to get out of the house at least once a day, even if it's just to walk around somewhere with air conditioning. We put him in that weird blue, cushion-y thing (pictured in post He's turning into a person) so he could sit in the kid holding spot without falling over and hurting himself; he kept looking all over the place, I showed him some hallmark cards and we bought potato wedges and he ate one of those. It surely wasn't anything interesting, but he really loved it.

     I took my mom's car through the car wash and he was so freaked out, it was comical. I had my sister hold his hand and comfort him. He was wide eyed the entire time, and he kept whipping his head left and right, at times so quickly it looked like an indecisive cartoon character. I spent the entire time laughing at his reaction and enjoying it. When we got to the vacuuming part, Benjamin sucked up his hand and he screamed with enjoyment, I think he thought it tickled. 

     He's the most enjoyable thing to be around, he brings excitement and laughter with him wherever he goes. I love all the small things he does, every day is a new adventure full of discoveries with Charles-Winston.

Being a mother

Being a mother means a lot of things to me. It means that I sacrifice showering every day for the off chance that my baby could be upset for one second while I'm unavailable. It means that in some twisted way, I enjoy being woken up every night. It means that I now never buy anything for myself because I actually want to buy him meaningless things that he'll never remember - he has drawers of toys and I only have one pair of actual pants (that fit since I gave birth).

     Being a parent is a strange phenomenon, I think my brain must've gone through some sort of transformation after I gave birth. Charles-Winston is the best thing that's ever happened to me, even though I get pounded night after night waking up all the time with no recovery period. I used to think I was tired before I was a mom. Now, sex is planned, it's a miracle if I sleep through the night, showering more than twice a week is a godsend, and infant tylenol is a blessing - none of these things even occurred to me before I had a kid.

     And yet I love it. More than anything I've ever done before, I enjoy it with every cell of my being. I'm good at being a mother, I'm really good at it and I take pride in that. 

     I gave Charles-Winston a heartbeat, but he gave me a life.

He's turning into a person

Charles-Winston has several entertaining quirks that I love to show off to people. One of my all time favorites is that when he cries, I begin to applaud and he will stop crying. Every. Single. Time. 

     When he wants to stand up he gets these extremely straight legs and throws his body backwards, it doesn't matter what's going on or where he is - in his car seat, in his crib, if someone is holding him, etc.. If he wants to stand up, he'll stand up.
     When anybody tells him "Hey, handsome" he grins from ear to ear and he just loves any attention. When he laughs he leans back like he's really into it. 

     When you tell him "kisses" he opens his mouth as wide as he can and leans forward until his lips make contact with whatever he's kissing. This morning he and I were watching my pet fish (for some reason it really excites him) and he kept trying to kiss them, it was so funny and so sad. He kept opening his mouth and then hitting his head on the glass tank wall. When I said "kisses" he looked at me, smiled and then tried again. He also tries to kiss himself whenever put in front of a mirror, he laughs and smiles at himself too.

     There's a million little things I could describe about him that I love, he's got a BIG personality. But all in all it's the little things like smiling and kissing that are my favorite. 

Too loving for my own good

I've been thinking about having another baby. Not "have" myself since Charles-Winston's conception was extraordinarily painful and only proceeded to get worse until he was two weeks old. (I'll start with the cons so that this post ends on a positive note.)

     Adopting a baby is expensive and I have no money. I have a deep seeded fear that either the new kid, or Charles-Winston would be cuter and there is no way of fixing that. How could I ever love someone as much as I love the baby I already have? If Benjamin and I had to deal with a newborn again we'd probably die in some horrible suicide-homicide and drop the baby -that we supposedly paid a ton of money for- off at a government facility to be cared for. I might not bond with the adopted baby as well as I bonded with Charles-Winston. The newcomer might grow to resent me or claim that I'm biased towards Charles-Winston because we won't be bonded by blood. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG.

     Some reasons I would do it include, but are not limited to: I don't want to have an only child. I don't want to have that small of a family. Benjamin wants a girl (heaven knows why). I feel like my family needs to grow. I love children/being a mother. A puppy is not enough to satiate my instinct to care for something. And though it seems cliche I have so much love to give.

     Now these lists could go on and on, but frankly I'm sick of this topic and obviously it's not getting anywhere, just as soon as one side advances, the other side sends in reinforcements and the battle will never be over. But, I've got a long time to think it over, it's just been on my mind lately.

So it begins

The past few days have been a shock, as I began to integrate Charles-Winston back into my daily schedule, I realized that he is seriously having some issues and deduced that his first tooth is finally coming in. It's been a relief and yet also such a mental struggle for me. The days have been hard and the nights have been harder. He fights everything, he's eating SIGNIFICANTLY less than normal, he won't eat any solids but instead chews on his bottle, I've been giving him half doses of tylenol every 3 hours instead of full doses every 6 hours because I feel like it's better that way. 

     I put numbing cream, vibrating toys, even hard and pokey things on Charles-Winston's gums and nothing seems to help. I took him for a walk in his stroller today and that seemed to calm him down temporarily, and even though he loves the outdoors, it's too hot and he's already too dehydrated to stay out for long. Strangely the evenings are more peaceful - he seems to hit the wall around noon and from there until five-ish he's pure Hell.

     I've sent Benjamin into the office the past two days because there's no way he can get his work done with Charles-Winston screaming incessantly, but it's excruciatingly difficult to deal with a baby that I can't help to stop crying by myself.

     I feel like I'm constantly rubbing my temples as I search for relief from this never-ending headache. I'm growing restless and frustrated and even though I have support from everyone and endless offers to have someone else watch him, I feel so, so, so very alone.

A controversial topic...

Benjamin wants a vegetarian baby... As meaningful as his intentions are they're just impractical. I'm not a full "meat eater" either, but Benjamin's a full on vegan which is fine. If we don't introduce meats into Charles-Winston's diet soon, his body won't be able to produce the enzymes able to break down meat and I want it to be Charles-Winston's choice what he decides to put into his body - I'm not willing to force him to be a vegetarian and then he won't be able to ever change. There are two sides to every argument though and Benjamin just wants the whole earth to be happy and alive and only eat plants, which is good! Great for him, but Charles-Winston might not (and probably won't) have the same views as his dad. 

     As well as risking Charles-Winston's decisions, we'd also be putting his health at risk, eating meat is good for a balanced diet - and there are replacements, I'm not refuting that, but so long as I'm the one finding, buying, mushing, blending and feeding Charles-Winston, he'll eat meat. If Benjamin wants to go through all the trouble of finding meat replacements for babies, so be it - he'll have to do that in his free time.

Charles-Winston Eating Turkey Jerky

Charles-Winston's six month "birthday"

What a memorable milestone! My baby turned six months old this past week and it was so much fun! It was over the 4th of July weekend. Firstly, he graduated from being a "supported sitter" to just a "sitter", so that was great, he's also graduated from pureed foods and is onto mashed, or blended foods.

     Funny story, how I found out that he was self supporting, I set him down by my feet so that I could brush my teeth and felt him lean off of me, so I looked down expecting to see him laying on his tummy, but he was actually sitting up on his own! So, of course, I just left him there and stayed silent and still. He eventually got bored of just sitting there and began to fuss after which I promptly held him and congratulated him etc.. 

  Although that transition would've been extraordinarily insignificant a year ago, I doubt I could be more thrilled now. 

     All these minute things that now compromise my life are comical when looking at them from a normal teenage perspective, and yet that somehow makes them sweeter. It's amazing how in the past six months, Charles-Winston has gone from living inside of me to happily living outside of me, he's squealing with laughter and "talking". When he was a newborn I recall hardly ever putting him down and even staring at the fridge longingly as my stomach growled because I was waiting for him to fall asleep, and now he's happy to have independent time, he giggles and plays with his toys and rolls all over the place with wonder and excitement. 

     All in all it's very interesting and sort of hard to comprehend how much he's accomplished over the past six months. What an amazing point in our lives. 

Let's go!

What an eager child I have! He's just like his aunt Maysen (so I'm told), he never stops. He's always saying things, nonstop. He'll talk just to talk and he'll talk over anybody, even the voices on his movies. Oftentimes I find myself reiterating his babbling, which is cute when he does it but crazy when I do it. 

     He always wants to be doing something and it just so happens that what he wants to do is never sleep. He'll run himself right into the ground. He stands up with only the support of what he grabs onto with one hand and can scoot across the floor, he's even started to tuck his knees so his scooting has more force behind him. He screams with frustration that he can't get anywhere, he just wants to go. He rolls all over the place, it's his primary mode of transportation. I do exercises with him, to build up his muscles and I feel like that's something I shouldn't have done because now his legs are stronger than my arms. He has so much energy that Benjamin and I sometimes just listen to his frustrated yelling and lay on the ground to rest while Charles-Winston rolls around. 

The dreaded regression

Charles-Winston is being such a butthead these past few days, usually he sleeps "through the night" but last night he woke up 5 times, just wanting to be held. Don't get me wrong, it's cute and all... The first time. The fourth and fifth time though... Not so much. Benjamin and I have a sleeping schedule where I get up with the baby in the night and then at about 5:30 (not for fun, because he wakes up and wants to be cuddled) we bring Charles-Winston in our bed until 8:00 and Benjamin will take him somewhere else and they'll play while I sleep in until about 9:30. It generally works really well. Last night on the other hand, nobody got a lot of sleep and all of us were grumpy. 

     He's also been SHRIEKING these past few days, everything will be calm we'll all just be chilling and then Charles-Winston unleashes the scream of the century, it's actually pretty hilarious. Sometimes I think he can understand us because his screams come at the perfect time, ie. Benjamin will say something absurd like "I like puppies more than my baby" and Charles-Winston starts wailing at the top of his lungs. Also sometimes he just does it for seemingly no reason at all. I've heard it's because children at his age scream because they're finding their voices, but this child is diabolical enough to do it only to raise alarm. 

New beginning part 2

In case you all were wondering why we moved in the first place, here's a very nondescript and vague overview: Benjamin's mom and her husband husband were being very hostile and inappropriate towards us, so we moved away from them and will not be in their company for the foreseeable future. Benjamin doesn't want either his mom or step-dad to be a part of Charles-Winston's or his own life anymore, and I'm respecting that because of the behavior I witnessed.

     It was a very tragic thing for me to be a part of - the splitting of a family, especially because family is so important to me - but it's what's best for Benjamin and therefore best for my little family.

     Our starting over has been a very educational experience, and has helped us grow closer as a family. The first day was really rough but Charles-Winston helped Benjamin and I stay calm. As weird as it seems, Charles-Winston is my rock, his attitude and presence is what helps me hold it together when I want to cry. He also helps me stand up for myself because now I have someone to protect, I have to look out for him and do things I normally wouldn't do. This time I've included a few videos of Charles-Winston because only the essence of his humor can be captured in a single frame.

All the small things

Charles-Winston is winded from our earlier play-time session, and is now sleeping. I cherish every moment I get with that sweet, sweet baby, but some of my favorite times we share are the first few minutes after he's woken up from a good nap and he smiles at me with those big greenish-blue eyes, he's happy and peaceful. Right now I can hear him in the other room laughing with his dad, his ear-piercing scream-like laughter is my favorite sound, his chatty attitude is the only thing I smile for some mornings. When he takes a nap and I fall asleep holding him, when he starts to make a new noise, or tries a new trick. There are many things I'd like to think I need, but it's moments like those I know I couldn't live without. 

New Beginning Part 1

Please excuse my blogging absence, these past few days have been difficult on us, but Charles-Winston most of all. 

     On Monday, Charles-Winston, his dad, aunt and I went shopping for apartments, we were out and about for several hours. He was the sweetest baby, he looked out the windows, was laughing and talking, and only started fussing a few times. 

     On Tuesday we were out of the house even longer! We went to all of our appointments that had been scheduled the day before and he didn't get out of his carseat for good until about 9:30, once again the sweetest thing you've ever seen. He only cried once and it was because he got scared, we were able to calm him down and he was back to his normal self.

     Yesterday, he took the backseat again (metaphorically this time) while we packed up all of our belongings and relocated them into a storage unit, he was the most patient and carefree baby once more! His active attitude kept all of us going. We began our day at 9:30am and it ended at 10:30pm, he's such a trooper! 

     So today we're giving him a break from all the moving chaos and he's been so active and playful, he's tiring himself out because we're giving him so much attention. He's already on his second nap and that usually doesn't happen! I'm so glad I was blessed with such a perfect baby, and though we've had a tough time moving, I'm happy he was there to help me stay strong through it.

A belated father's day story

We first found out I was pregnant on a Monday. As weird as it sounds, I knew I was pregnant - at only 3 weeks, I was sure. So I took a pregnancy test and Benjamin watched with me while those two tragic pink lines appeared. He wasn't convinced. We went to Walgreens and bought 3 more - all positive. Benjamin wasn't angry or upset, he was... peaceful? I was mad, so mad. My life as I saw it was over, ruined, but to Benjamin, he seemed to think that his life was just beginning. He bought me prenatal vitamins, he was there for me every step of the way and it was so hard. He got yelled at, berated, he got ignored and confronted, yet every single day he dragged himself out of bed and went to work to support our growing family. That's when I started to respect and admire Benjamin, everything he did he did for Charles-Winston and me. 
     Fast forward a while and I was walking down the aisle. Benjamin loved me unconditionally, and he was so sure of it - he wanted this, he wanted a family. I wasn't ready to commit to a life of being a housewife and mother. Benjamin was readier than anyone thought he'd be. He embraced the life of a father and husband, he did everything right.
     Another few months seemed to meander by and all of a sudden on January 4, my water broke. That's when Benjamin lost it. He was freaking out and I was calm as ever, our roles reversed and it seemed to be just fine. Benjamin was nervous, yet very supportive and protective through my entire labor (although he did fall asleep for a few hours). He stayed in the room, he supported my legs, he even cut the cord. He was a brand new dad and he couldn't be prouder.
     The first few days, weeks, months were rough, but he's loved Charles-Winston from day one. Benjamin cuddles with him and takes care of him in the mornings so I can sleep in. He's an amazing dad, he's an amazing husband and everything he does he does for us - he's one of the most selfless people I know. And he's been there from the very first day, supporting me and helping me take care of our precious, beloved baby.