A controversial topic...

Benjamin wants a vegetarian baby... As meaningful as his intentions are they're just impractical. I'm not a full "meat eater" either, but Benjamin's a full on vegan which is fine. If we don't introduce meats into Charles-Winston's diet soon, his body won't be able to produce the enzymes able to break down meat and I want it to be Charles-Winston's choice what he decides to put into his body - I'm not willing to force him to be a vegetarian and then he won't be able to ever change. There are two sides to every argument though and Benjamin just wants the whole earth to be happy and alive and only eat plants, which is good! Great for him, but Charles-Winston might not (and probably won't) have the same views as his dad. 

     As well as risking Charles-Winston's decisions, we'd also be putting his health at risk, eating meat is good for a balanced diet - and there are replacements, I'm not refuting that, but so long as I'm the one finding, buying, mushing, blending and feeding Charles-Winston, he'll eat meat. If Benjamin wants to go through all the trouble of finding meat replacements for babies, so be it - he'll have to do that in his free time.

Charles-Winston Eating Turkey Jerky

Charles-Winston's six month "birthday"

What a memorable milestone! My baby turned six months old this past week and it was so much fun! It was over the 4th of July weekend. Firstly, he graduated from being a "supported sitter" to just a "sitter", so that was great, he's also graduated from pureed foods and is onto mashed, or blended foods.

     Funny story, how I found out that he was self supporting, I set him down by my feet so that I could brush my teeth and felt him lean off of me, so I looked down expecting to see him laying on his tummy, but he was actually sitting up on his own! So, of course, I just left him there and stayed silent and still. He eventually got bored of just sitting there and began to fuss after which I promptly held him and congratulated him etc.. 

  Although that transition would've been extraordinarily insignificant a year ago, I doubt I could be more thrilled now. 

     All these minute things that now compromise my life are comical when looking at them from a normal teenage perspective, and yet that somehow makes them sweeter. It's amazing how in the past six months, Charles-Winston has gone from living inside of me to happily living outside of me, he's squealing with laughter and "talking". When he was a newborn I recall hardly ever putting him down and even staring at the fridge longingly as my stomach growled because I was waiting for him to fall asleep, and now he's happy to have independent time, he giggles and plays with his toys and rolls all over the place with wonder and excitement. 

     All in all it's very interesting and sort of hard to comprehend how much he's accomplished over the past six months. What an amazing point in our lives. 

Let's go!

What an eager child I have! He's just like his aunt Maysen (so I'm told), he never stops. He's always saying things, nonstop. He'll talk just to talk and he'll talk over anybody, even the voices on his movies. Oftentimes I find myself reiterating his babbling, which is cute when he does it but crazy when I do it. 

     He always wants to be doing something and it just so happens that what he wants to do is never sleep. He'll run himself right into the ground. He stands up with only the support of what he grabs onto with one hand and can scoot across the floor, he's even started to tuck his knees so his scooting has more force behind him. He screams with frustration that he can't get anywhere, he just wants to go. He rolls all over the place, it's his primary mode of transportation. I do exercises with him, to build up his muscles and I feel like that's something I shouldn't have done because now his legs are stronger than my arms. He has so much energy that Benjamin and I sometimes just listen to his frustrated yelling and lay on the ground to rest while Charles-Winston rolls around. 

The dreaded regression

Charles-Winston is being such a butthead these past few days, usually he sleeps "through the night" but last night he woke up 5 times, just wanting to be held. Don't get me wrong, it's cute and all... The first time. The fourth and fifth time though... Not so much. Benjamin and I have a sleeping schedule where I get up with the baby in the night and then at about 5:30 (not for fun, because he wakes up and wants to be cuddled) we bring Charles-Winston in our bed until 8:00 and Benjamin will take him somewhere else and they'll play while I sleep in until about 9:30. It generally works really well. Last night on the other hand, nobody got a lot of sleep and all of us were grumpy. 

     He's also been SHRIEKING these past few days, everything will be calm we'll all just be chilling and then Charles-Winston unleashes the scream of the century, it's actually pretty hilarious. Sometimes I think he can understand us because his screams come at the perfect time, ie. Benjamin will say something absurd like "I like puppies more than my baby" and Charles-Winston starts wailing at the top of his lungs. Also sometimes he just does it for seemingly no reason at all. I've heard it's because children at his age scream because they're finding their voices, but this child is diabolical enough to do it only to raise alarm. 

New beginning part 2

In case you all were wondering why we moved in the first place, here's a very nondescript and vague overview: Benjamin's mom and her husband husband were being very hostile and inappropriate towards us, so we moved away from them and will not be in their company for the foreseeable future. Benjamin doesn't want either his mom or step-dad to be a part of Charles-Winston's or his own life anymore, and I'm respecting that because of the behavior I witnessed.

     It was a very tragic thing for me to be a part of - the splitting of a family, especially because family is so important to me - but it's what's best for Benjamin and therefore best for my little family.

     Our starting over has been a very educational experience, and has helped us grow closer as a family. The first day was really rough but Charles-Winston helped Benjamin and I stay calm. As weird as it seems, Charles-Winston is my rock, his attitude and presence is what helps me hold it together when I want to cry. He also helps me stand up for myself because now I have someone to protect, I have to look out for him and do things I normally wouldn't do. This time I've included a few videos of Charles-Winston because only the essence of his humor can be captured in a single frame.

All the small things

Charles-Winston is winded from our earlier play-time session, and is now sleeping. I cherish every moment I get with that sweet, sweet baby, but some of my favorite times we share are the first few minutes after he's woken up from a good nap and he smiles at me with those big greenish-blue eyes, he's happy and peaceful. Right now I can hear him in the other room laughing with his dad, his ear-piercing scream-like laughter is my favorite sound, his chatty attitude is the only thing I smile for some mornings. When he takes a nap and I fall asleep holding him, when he starts to make a new noise, or tries a new trick. There are many things I'd like to think I need, but it's moments like those I know I couldn't live without. 

New Beginning Part 1

Please excuse my blogging absence, these past few days have been difficult on us, but Charles-Winston most of all. 

     On Monday, Charles-Winston, his dad, aunt and I went shopping for apartments, we were out and about for several hours. He was the sweetest baby, he looked out the windows, was laughing and talking, and only started fussing a few times. 

     On Tuesday we were out of the house even longer! We went to all of our appointments that had been scheduled the day before and he didn't get out of his carseat for good until about 9:30, once again the sweetest thing you've ever seen. He only cried once and it was because he got scared, we were able to calm him down and he was back to his normal self.

     Yesterday, he took the backseat again (metaphorically this time) while we packed up all of our belongings and relocated them into a storage unit, he was the most patient and carefree baby once more! His active attitude kept all of us going. We began our day at 9:30am and it ended at 10:30pm, he's such a trooper! 

     So today we're giving him a break from all the moving chaos and he's been so active and playful, he's tiring himself out because we're giving him so much attention. He's already on his second nap and that usually doesn't happen! I'm so glad I was blessed with such a perfect baby, and though we've had a tough time moving, I'm happy he was there to help me stay strong through it.

A belated father's day story

We first found out I was pregnant on a Monday. As weird as it sounds, I knew I was pregnant - at only 3 weeks, I was sure. So I took a pregnancy test and Benjamin watched with me while those two tragic pink lines appeared. He wasn't convinced. We went to Walgreens and bought 3 more - all positive. Benjamin wasn't angry or upset, he was... peaceful? I was mad, so mad. My life as I saw it was over, ruined, but to Benjamin, he seemed to think that his life was just beginning. He bought me prenatal vitamins, he was there for me every step of the way and it was so hard. He got yelled at, berated, he got ignored and confronted, yet every single day he dragged himself out of bed and went to work to support our growing family. That's when I started to respect and admire Benjamin, everything he did he did for Charles-Winston and me. 
     Fast forward a while and I was walking down the aisle. Benjamin loved me unconditionally, and he was so sure of it - he wanted this, he wanted a family. I wasn't ready to commit to a life of being a housewife and mother. Benjamin was readier than anyone thought he'd be. He embraced the life of a father and husband, he did everything right.
     Another few months seemed to meander by and all of a sudden on January 4, my water broke. That's when Benjamin lost it. He was freaking out and I was calm as ever, our roles reversed and it seemed to be just fine. Benjamin was nervous, yet very supportive and protective through my entire labor (although he did fall asleep for a few hours). He stayed in the room, he supported my legs, he even cut the cord. He was a brand new dad and he couldn't be prouder.
     The first few days, weeks, months were rough, but he's loved Charles-Winston from day one. Benjamin cuddles with him and takes care of him in the mornings so I can sleep in. He's an amazing dad, he's an amazing husband and everything he does he does for us - he's one of the most selfless people I know. And he's been there from the very first day, supporting me and helping me take care of our precious, beloved baby.

Late night thoughts

Charles-Winston is my best bud, he kinda has to be since I spend the whole day every day with him. I can't get over how funny all of his emotions and expressions are. He used to do what we called "O-face" - it's pretty self explanatory, but I'll include a picture for those who care. 

     I've previously mentioned it, but why not again? He's a smiler, since he was 3 weeks old he's been smiling. At first not so frequently but now all the time. I've never felt so in tune with someone who couldn't convey themselves in a way besides high and low expressions.

Since we've been in St. George, Charles-Winston has been sleeping so well! He's been sleeping through the night (although not napping as well), and he's been a pretty happy baby. I think the atmosphere here is just a lot slower or more relaxed and he feels like he's calm and doesn't need to be crazily busy all day every day. 

He's also getting a handle on sitting, today he didn't fall over for at least 5 minutes, like it was a full commercial break before I picked him up and handed him to his dad.

     (The two pictures off to the side are of him the first day and a few days ago showing his sitting progress.) 

     
I feel so redundant but I cannot express my amazement at how motivated he is and how proud of him I am. Like, I GREW THAT THING INSIDE ME AND NOW HE'S BRATTY JUST LIKE ME! I couldn't be prouder. I can tell I'm gonna have a sass-off with him when he's like two years old where I'll have to establish my dominance and get cheeky with him.
     There is nothing I enjoy more than spending time with my little buddy, it could just be me, but I feel like we have a deep connection. He really gets my sense of humor and he pulls my hair - two things I definitely require in a guy. 

The most important thing

My family are moving to Utah. I've waited the past 7 years to be able to say that. "Why is this relevant?" you're probably thinking. It's relevant because this is a blog about Charles-Winston's life and me being a stay-at-home-mom. This is life-changing. Actually. 

     Now my mother and father get to be active grandparents and my siblings can be aunt and uncles. Charles-Winston will be eating Sunday dinner at their dining room table and swinging on their swing set. Over Christmas he'll help my mom bake cookies and we'll stuff his presents under the tree while he's passed out on the couch with my brothers. My dad will take him fishing and hunting and all the other things Benjamin disapproves of. We'll have family game night and watch movies together with the subtitles on because we all get headaches. 

      I can't possibly describe how terribly I've missed them and how delighted I am to have them back. 

     Family is the most important thing in the world to me, I'm glad that I don't have to preach that to Charles-Winston with mine being halfway across the country.

     Welcome home, Dad, Mom, Maysen, Drake and Case.

Jealous of animals

Charles-Winston loves animals, just looking at a puppy he'll start giggling and smiling. He loves to cuddle them, he talks and yells at them, he even likes to pet them, (but it looks more like he's groping their fur). When we put him in his highchair to eat, the dog stands underneath and eats up the drooled bits of bananas - but now that Charles-Winston knows she's down there, he'll only look down and talk to her; when we try to sit him upright, he gets so frazzled he doesn't know what to do with himself.

     Did I mention he growls? I don't think I've ever seen something less intimidating or cuter. He smiles while he growls, but only at the dogs. He doesn't growl at people (anymore). 

     He even likes my fish and though he doesn't talk to or growl at them, he does stare at them for long stretches of time and he seems to be fascinated by the fact that they appear to float.

     Charles-Winston has the funniest quirks and such a big personality already, I can't wait until he can talk because (even though I doubt he'll ever shut up) then he can tell me everything that he thinks about and why he does all the hilarious things he does. I wish I knew what was going on in his little mind all the time. He's probably a baby genius.

Homeopathic medicine

We traveled to St. George, Utah yesterday (the southern-most city in the state), to see my father-in-law over father's-day weekend.

     It was a terrible idea since Charles-Winston has an ear infection. All he did the whole ride down was cry and sleep. He'd cry himself to sleep and then wake up screaming and either Benjamin or I would have to climb into the back seat to calm him down. We maxed his dose on infant acetaminophen and homeopathic infant ear drops; he was still upset. He ate a great deal less, had a slight fever and didn't fall asleep until 11pm - although he did sleep through the night (until 5:45) so that was good and he seems to be doing significantly better today than he was yesterday. It's a much needed improvement.

     I can testify that the homeopathic ear drops worked very well, he seems to be pain free after using them for two full days and only bothers his ear every once in a while instead of incessantly. I'm glad we didn't take him to the doctor and get prescribed antibiotics since it seems to be clearing up on it's own. Now that his ear is better, our only problem is teething. He's a happy baby now and back to his normal self.

Independence day is too far away

I was going to save a post like this for July 4th so that it would be funny and interesting, but independence day is too far away.

     Charles-Winston is becoming more independent and he likes his alone time, he likes to be put down sometimes. He's ready to start becoming more self-sufficient, but I'm not! In a skewed remembrance of the first few months, I liked that he needed me to hold him constantly and care for his every need. Now that he can sit up on his own he starts crying if I pick him up when he wants personal time. It just makes me so sad that he's becoming more autonomous because he thinks he doesn't need me as much anymore, but I still need him a lot. We used to cuddle all the time and now he only wants to play.

     I wish there were more hours in the day because I want to cry when he goes to bed and I think about his accomplishments and how amazing he is, I fear I'll wake up one day and wonder where all my time with him went.

3 people in a queen size bed?

I've known him for five months already, but should I sleep with him? 

     Co-sleeping is something I've considered in great depth, I'm a very light sleeper though and Charles-Winston is so noisy: always fluctuating his breathing patterns and rolling around in his sleep. On the other hand Benjamin is a heavy sleeper who won't notice any of the things that make it difficult for me to sleep with Charles-Winston, but Benjamin has rolled onto me before without noticing. With all these elements combined, co-sleeping is probably not for our family.

     We tried having Charles-Winston in our bed this morning from 5:30 on. It was fantastic; the boys cuddled and we all got to sleep in until 8:30! (Charles-Winston usually wakes up for the day at about 6:00.) Although he woke up a few times, Benjamin lulled him back to sleep. I'm nervous to try it out during the night, but the kid only sleeps from 10:00-6:00 and naps for maybe 3 hours a day, and we're all getting desperate for more sleep/personal time. 

     As much as I hate the idea of waking up a million times during the night at every sound he makes, along with my concern that Benjamin could unknowingly smush him, co-sleeping still sounds appealing because although he's just down the hall, I still miss him at night.

A cabin in the woods

My sweet baby and I left the busy valley of Salt Lake City and came up to Challis Idaho, population 1,081. The cabin we're staying in is far out of city limits, there's almost no traffic except for the occasional fisherman. Since we've been here, Charles-Winston has been pooping more regularly, spitting-up less, not so fussy in general, more alert during the day, deeper asleep in the night, he's been more playful, smiling more, just everything is better!
     If Charles-Winston is so much healthier overall out here, then what are all these other city-goers along with myself doing to ourselves and our families? My anxiety has decreased dramatically along with my quality of breathing. I love it out here and the air is fresher, there's no buildings in sight, it's so relaxing.
     Charles-Winston cannot get enough of it! He loves it here so much and so do I, I wish we never had to leave. But we miss his daddy and we can't live hours away from civilization. I just wish we could live like this all the time, I wish there was a happy medium. 

Parenting nightmares

My worst nightmare as a new parent is an overtired baby, ya hear? 

     We keep everything on a whiteboard (previously mentioned), when he eats, sleeps, poops, you get the point. Yet, Charles-Winston is more often than not extremely over tired by the time I get him to sleep. I've come to accept that squirming and flailing are a part of his sleep-time routine, the poor little guy will not stop until he's too tired to function, it may have something to do with his teething because it seems to have gotten even more difficult to get him to fall asleep this past week or so. 

     We're back to swaddling, if that tells you anything. He also gets frightened when he transitions from active sleep to deep sleep, so often times he'll wake up after napping for only about 20 minutes.

Clipping Charles-Winston's nails seems to be a recurring disaster. A few weeks ago, I was clipping his nails and accidentally took a chunk out of his thumb, he cried and cried and cried. It bled for two hours, then he finally fell asleep, when he woke up, he panicked and it bled for another two. This has happened twice now and I've only clipped his nails like 4 times in his life! (The rest of the time, Benjamin has bitten his nails). 

     It's so emotional for me to realize that my child is hurt because of something I did and I can't fix it. I've never felt as helpless as I did when I clipped his fingertip. I just really hope these feelings don't intensify as he gets older because as amazing as these parenting emotions can be, they're also quite debilitating when my child is injured. 

Why I won't become a doctor

I'm not quite sure anybody (who isn't one) understands the sacrifices that stay-at-home-moms make. We leave behind adult conversations for crying and we ditch college for learning how to make baby food. It's not difficult work, but it is mentally challenging at times and it's quite stressful. Each day I crave the company of a person who can speak, or respond in some way to the words I'm saying. I have hobbies, and other moms are fine, but it's the school or work atmosphere I find myself desiring. I want to talk to adults who I have something in common with, I'm sick of talking to other moms about my labor, or what weight class our babies are in. I want to have an intellectual conversation with somebody that I like.

     A lot of people also don't seem to understand HOW much work a baby can be, it's a full time job in the least, instead of an 8 hour day, I'm working 16-24 hours doing everything I can for someone who won't ever thank me for it. I do what's expected of me and much, much more, but I'll never get a raise, I'll never be promoted. To Charles-Winston (my boss), my dreams and aspirations don't matter, he couldn't care less about what my life was like before him, or what it would've been without him.

     I enjoy being a mom, don't get me wrong, it's my favorite thing in the world. And I would miss Charles-Winston horribly if I had to get a job. I understand that all the things I want in life cannot coexist. But these things need to be said. It's not all rainbows and butterflies, and intelligent women who could've changed the world are at home with their babies because of the unconditional love we feel.

     I wanted to be a doctor, I could've gone to college, I could've had a career and a fat paycheck with a nice car; instead I'm being puked on every few minutes and keeping track of someone else's pooping schedule. Which would've also happened if I were a doctor, so I suppose it isn't unfair.

     The problem with everything I previously mentioned, is that knowing what I know now and given the choice to go back in time to change it all, to not have a baby at 18 and marry a boy I'd met exactly one year perviously; now I know what I would've been missing. 

     My small family is filled with more love than I could've ever expected to feel otherwise, my amazing husband and I have now been married for 9 months, had a baby for 5 months and though they've been extremely difficult times, I can't imagine anyone I'd rather suffer alongside. Every second of my day is filled with unparalleled joy and excitement, I get to watch something I made conquer mountains and overcome handicaps that I can't imagine anyone my age doing. Charles-Winston is the most sincere, loving, funny (every other positive adjective) person I know.

     I know I left a life behind me, but I'm too relieved to grieve.

Rolling maniac / Big personality

Lately Charles-Winston has been rolling all over the place, he's an unstoppable force of nature. Earlier this morning Benjamin left him in the middle of the couch while he ran to go get some wipes and Charles-Winston ended up 3 feet away and 90 degrees different than when Benjamin had left him a few seconds earlier. (Of course if I'd been around, he would've been on the floor not the couch, but men...)

     If we leave him in his car seat unbuckled, he'll roll all the way around until he's on his belly if we let him. Same with anything else, in his crib, in his bumbo, rocker, swing, everything. He rolls over no matter where he is or what form of seat he's in. 

     This kid is hilarious, I swear it's because he knows we don't want him to roll around, he gives this little diabolical grin every time he successfully gets into a position we have to pull him out of. Looks something like this:

In other news, he's extremely chatty. He's one of the most talkative people I've ever met and he can't even form words! All he does is make noise and more noise and then if he feels like we're ignoring him, he starts to yell at the top of his lungs and he gets frustrated and starts huffing and breathing heavily. Charles-Winston has more personality than most adults I know; he's so shy when you first meet him, he'll hide his face in my hair, but after a few minutes he's talking and smiling and laughing at you, he might even be yelling or screaming at you. 

     He's so hilarious and it's the little quirks like this that make me wonder how I could've ever lived without him. The small things like hearing him laugh, or seeing his "evil" grin when he thinks he's won make every sleepless night, and every outfit change and every week without showering, he makes it all worth it.

Homemade baby food

Every week or so we go grocery shopping and make a bunch of baby food and juice. The reason is: the first (and only) jar of baby food I bought had 11 grams of sugar in it, it's only like 3oz and it had 11 grams?! That seemed ridiculous to me; the more research I did about store-bought baby food, the angrier I became. I wanted to know exactly what was going into Charles-Winston's belly and how could I feed him sugar when I won't even eat it?

     Conveniently, we already had a puree blender, so I started making my own baby food, and same thing with juice, I wasn't satisfied with the amount of added sugar, so we bought a juicer. Now, it's a fun Sunday activity that the whole family participates in and we all love it. Mainly Benjamin and I drink the juice and (of course) only Charles-Winston eats the baby food. It gives us all time to be together as a family and eat healthy and have fun while doing it. 

     Charles-Winston LOVES his baby food especially bananas, and I was told that giving him real food, I needed to supplement liquids for every bottle I missed, he hates drinking plain water, so we make juice for him. He doesn't seem to really love juice, but he'll drink it from a sippy cup. So today we juiced 2.5 lbs of apples with 5 kiwis and it made almost a half-gallon of juice we also pureed 10 bananas and it made about 1.5 lbs of baby food.

Almost 5 months old

Almost five months ago on January 5, 2014 I had a darling baby boy, my husband and I didn't decide on a name until we saw him, but when we first set our eyes upon him we looked at each other and simultaneously said "Charles-Winston". For clarity, his first name is Charles-Winston, no middle name and his last name is Engel. 

     Now, he's almost 5 months old and the nightmare of a newborn is almost over. I've heard COUNTLESS women say that their children were amazing as babies, or that their kids were so easy to take care of from day one. I'm not quite sure how true that is, but for me it simply wasn't the case. Charles-Winston was probably an average baby in most ways, he certainly wasn't spectacular or outstanding in any way medically. He woke up every 2 for the first two weeks and my husband and I were having what we'd consider some of the worst nights of our lives. The only thing that kept us going was the glimmer of a hope that we might get an extra few minutes of sleep the coming night. 

     One of the things that made those first few weeks extra hard was his spit-up. Anyone who's met Charles-Winston has told Benjamin and I that they've never seen a baby spit up as much as he would. If I pumped 4oz, it'd be completely out of his stomach within the first 15 minutes of eating it. Breast feeding a baby who only actually ingested MAYBE 1oz per feeding was extremely exhausting physically and mentally, my husband didn't quite understand how excruciating it was to watch hours and hours of my body's hard labor disregarded without a second thought. So we switched to formula after two weeks because my body just couldn't keep up. 

     Switching to formula made no difference, if anything it made his puking worse, (by the way, this whole time we'd been using full sized towels/blankets as burp rags, so puking seems to be a more adequate description) eventually we switched him to special formula for babies with issues spitting up, not like that helped either. Finally we came up with a concoction that "worked" for our little man. 6oz of distilled water, 3 scoops of formula for spit up, and 3 scoops of single grain rice cereal.

     By 4 months he was displaying all the signs of being ready for "solid" food, THAT HAS MADE A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE! He seems to spit-up less in general, and hardly ever spits up bananas (his favorite). 

     Enough about spitting up. The first 2-2.5 months of his life were boring and pretty much sucked. It was winter in Salt Lake City, that means snow, so that ruled out pretty much ever going outside with my newborn baby. Benjamin had work, so that just left me at home, alone, and caring for a baby. I didn't know anything about babies, I didn't know that they liked to be walked around, or that they liked to be held all day every day. Benjamin and I also didn't understand how babies sleeping worked. He wasn't on a schedule and neither were we, we'd stay up late some nights, or go to bed right after dinner other nights. Charles-Winston would wake up in the middle of the night and he'd be awake for hours, from like 3am until 7am, and we'd just hold each other and be severely exhausted together. 

     Now, he's almost 5 months old and he's only waking up one or two times a night and Benjamin and I know a lot more about babies in general. We have a whiteboard where we keep track of everything he does, when he sleeps, for how long, when he eats, how much, what sorts of activities he and I do throughout the day. It's proven to be very useful.

     At this stage in his life, I can't imagine how I could be more in love with a person, and yet every day I'm proven wrong as I fall more and more in love with him and his minute accomplishments.